Month: May 2015

Mr. Newspaperman: Reality Show Check

Kuna Melba News, May 20, 2015

“There sure have been a lot of Kunans showing up on tee-vee lately,” said Elmer on the phone.

“I mean, come on. Has Hollywood run out of actors?” he added incredulously.

I told him that I think that most likely it’s the casting directors who are reaching out across America to get a diversity of “real” people finally.

He was quiet for all of two seconds, about the same amount of time for him to take a puff of his cigarette. I could smell the smoke through the phone.

“First you had that fireman on that show hunting for the lost mine. Then just a few weeks ago we find out about that girl who was on that ninja obstacle course show.”

“Right,” I agreed with him. 

“Now you’ve got a bachelor from Kuna trying to woo some bimbos from   Canada,” he said, his voice gaining volume.

“Now we have to wait until next week to find out which harlot is going to be the one this pack of horndogs is going to pursue? It’s not right,” he finished with a sigh.

“So you watched it?” I asked.

“You’re darn tootin’ I did,” said Elmer with a hint of regret.

“One of ‘em dropped her drawers in the water!” he said, the spit hitting the phone. I could hear it splatter.

“I didn’t watch it,” I told him calmly. “But aren’t the two women contestants from last season’s Bachelor and that one of them did skinny dip? Are you sure it wasn’t a clip from last season?”

“Maybe it was,” he backed down. “But the men aren’t any better,” he went on. “One of them is a stripper, another a songwriter which I’m sure we’ll have to listen to some sappy song he wrote in some future show. Another is a superhero named Love Man. You’ve got a guy who kisses plants, a guy who’s a walking pity party, a guy who gave a hockey puck, a drunk with moonshine, an amateur sex coach–likely story–and then there’s Joshua, from Kuna.”

“What’s he like?” I asked.

“Seemed like a good kid,” Elmer surprisingly said. “He gave one of the girls a metal rose so I’m guessing he knows his way around a metal shop. He better. He’s representin’ Kuna.”

While Elmer was rambling on, I quickly searched the internet for details on Kuna’s newest reality television star. Joshua’s bio on the Bachelorette website says he’s a 31-year-old industrial welder with nine tattoos.

“So which gal did the men choose?” I asked Elmer.

“We won’t know until next week,” he said sadly. But if you ask me, I think that Kaitlyn girl should get it. She’s the one who dropped her drawers to go swimmin’,” he said with a hint of sugar in his voice. “But if I have to listen to her laugh once more, I’m going to lose it,” he said. “She sounds like a donkey.”

“Who do you think she’ll pick?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” he said. “If the men are lucky, nobody.”